Got Them Feels

There's been many a feels lately. I blame it on this weird transitioning period that's taking place. Saying goodbye to some people and things, hello to new things, changing things up a bit--growing up in general. I've never felt so happy and so sad at the same time.

Isn't it so interesting how a situation can start so quickly, but then die so fast? It's like going 0-60 in 3 seconds and then SLAMMING on your breaks. It doesn't do much for your hope. It's a joy-killer, ya dig? This awful analogy has a purpose...I swear.

I've found myself going through a situation where it began great, I felt so hopeful, and then somewhere it's slowed itself to an awfully slow pace. It's gotten to the point where I believe what I want is not going to be what I get. Which sucks. It sucks so bad. So why when discussing my thoughts and opinions with the other party do I continue to say, "I understand...I'm fine...It's okay..." when it's the complete opposite?

Why am I letting myself get walked on? What power is that giving me? None. Why can't I say, "I'm sorry, I'm not okay with this, I don't understand where you're coming from?" How is that going to get me anywhere? It's not. 

I think it's absurd that I allow this to happen. I'm tired of being so afraid to let someone know how I feel. I hate the situation in my past that has created these walls and these barriers. I'm tired of being afraid what someone thinks about me. 

I'm tired of allowing myself to belittle my worth. I'm worthy of the love I want to receive--the love that I want to give. I'm just so tired of those two things never meeting.

But starting today I'm challenging myself to really say what's on my mind, how I feel, and to tell myself that everything is not my fault.

I want to reassure myself that I am good, I am worthy, I am loved.

A letter to cicadas

Dear Cicadas,

I regret to inform you that this is not a positive letter. I have no warm, fuzzy feelings toward you. I, in fact, hate you. While it's true that I work at a zoo, and therefor am dedicated in conserving all things wild and of the earth, I do not care about you or the purpose you serve.

I have a vendetta towards one member of your species in particular. This little boy (or girl, forgive my ignorance, but I do not know much your sexing or reproduction) was being uncharacteristically quiet as I was walking towards my apartment door one night. 

Now, Cicadas, this back story has nothing to do with you, per say. I am a single, mid-twenty year old female. Anytime I am walking alone at night I am on the defensive. I am ready to run, act crazy, or fight for my life at any given moment. Now imagine my fright when I finally unlock my front door and am beginning to feel relief only to turn the door knob and this cicada is SITTING ON THE KNOB.

Might I be overreacting? Possibly. But you cicadas have wings...you can literally fly away. You can rest anywhere you want. Please don't rest on my door knob. The scream that I produced was not necessary and if my roommate had been home she would have been worried.

I'm hoping we can live and let go, but I also hope for your extinction.

Regrets,
Connie

PS; It also wouldn't hurt to not leave your molt out in the open. You're not easy to look at.

Late Night Ponderings

Okay, so it's only 9:30...on a Friday night...which is actually my Monday night...which is a bummer.

BUT as I lay here in the dim light listening to some real mellow, acoustic jams I can't help but let my mind wander. Are you looking at your screen saying, "What are you wondering about, Connie?"

Well, as my sweet kitty cat is laying against my leg purring her sweet purr begging for me to scratch her head I am dreaming of how it would feel if cats could hug us.

My little girl, Penelope Fuzz, has the softest fur, the sweetest little face, and loves to snuggle, so I would her imagine her hugs being warm and welcoming.

A girl can dream.

A Letter to My Eyebrows

Dear Eyebrows,

Y'all have been hanging in there for 24 years. Y'all knew that being full and bold would be cool and something others would desire one day. Even though 15 year old Connie was mortified when a mean, ugly, bully of an older boy held your arm hair while making mimicking Chewbacca, you two just keep coming in fuller and stronger.

I hated y'all for that for awhile. I plucked a hair or two in my day but I eventually would throw them down in fear of ripping out an entire brow. I begged the gods above to stop making my eyebrows grow. Now everyone is drawing in big ole fake eyebrows & look at y'all! All natural...get it.

So now we know that we still need to clean y'all up a bit. This is why I'm writing this letter to ya, to apologize.Today I got your little hairs waxed off. It's so violent, and I'm sorry for it. I pay a lot of money for that pain, too.

It's sick, but I really like when I'm getting you waxed.  I walk into the spa waiting room at Paris Parker and I'm in the zone. That delicious aroma surrounds me in the dim lighting. I am RE-LAXEDDD. I get called into the room and I lay down on the bed that's covered in warm towels and I'm ready to move in. Then my stylist starts placing the wax on my face and tearing the strips off and oh does it hurt...but oh how I love it. Does this mean I'm disturbed? It's so therapeutic. Then she starts petting my brows and putting all the creams on my face and I have to force myself to stay awake.

Once she's done she hands us the mirror to check them out...and it's like BAM CONFIDENCE IS HERE. There you are, Brows, perfectly sculpting and clean looking but still so full looking. We know we're going to look good for at least 3 weeks. 

I hope you enjoy the process too, Brows. Thanks for always knowing what was going to be cool when I was 24. I would trade you for any other eyebrows!

Love,

Connie

My Favorite Songs

I've been asked about my favorite songs/movies/food/etc. alot lately. I never really thought about what my favorite songs are, so today my goal is to make a list to have on hand in case this question comes up again. Plus I'm sure it'll be fun to compare in like a year...or next week. I'm going through my itunes, so order is of no importance.

So here we go!

Anathallo

Before the Throne of God

Fugue: 24

Anthony Green

Babygirl

Dear Child (I've Been Trying to Reach You)

As Cities Burn--Arguably my favorite band. 

Of Want and Misery: The Nothing That Kills* 

Tides

Wrong Body

Errand Rum

Into the Sea

Lady Blue

Capo (which is ironic because hardly any ACB fans care for this song)

The Avett Brothers

January Wedding

Kick Drum Heart

Paranoia in B Major

Will You Return

Go to Sleep

Band of Horses

No One's Gonna Love You

Beyonce

Countdown*--probably the best Beyonce song. Ever.

Blink 182

Stay Together for the Kids

Bon Iver

*side note- the entire self titled album is basically my favorite album ever. It really helped me through a tough time many moons ago. So it's difficult to say what my favorites are off there.

Holocene*

Michicant

Calgary

Skinny Love

The Chariot

David De La Hoz

City and Colour

What Makes a Man?

The Girl

We Found Each Other in the Dark

Colour Revolt

Mattresses Underwater

Copeland

California

She Changes Your Mind

When Finally Set Free

Choose the One Who Loves You More

Dave Matthews Band

Crash Into Me

Eisley

Come Clean

Ambulance

Father John Misty

O I Lon to Feel Your Arms Around Me

Fleet Foxes

WhiteWinter Hymnal

Fleetwood Mac

Never Going Back Again*

Jimmy Eat World

Cautioners

For Me This is Heaven

Sweetness*

Listener

Wooden Heart

Falling in Love With Glaciers

Manchester Orchestra

Everything to Nothing

The River*

Pensacola

Apprehension

Leaky Breaks

mewithoutYou

Be Still Child

Silencer

The Cure For Pain*

The Soviet

Minus the Bear

We Are Not a Football Team*

Pachuca Sunrise

Noah Gundersen

Caroline

Jesus, Jesus

Norma Jean

Memphis Will Be Laid to Waste

The Planning Fallacy

A Vanishing Art

Right Away, Great Captain!

I'm Not Ready to Forgive You

Oh No, I Tried

I Was a Cage*

Rilo Kiley

With Arms Outstretched*

Sucre

Hiding Out

Chemical Reaction

Sufjan Stevens

Vito's Ordination Song

Taking Back Sunday

Bike Scene

You're So Last Summer*

Bonus Mosh Pit Pt. II

I Am Fred Astaire

One-Eighty By Summer

...Slowdance On The Inside

Underoath

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

A Message for Adrienne

Weezer

The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

A little bit of lagniappe:

Motion City Soundtrack- The Future Freaks Me Out

Otis Redding- These Arms of Mine

Norma Jean- Murderotica

Fleetwood Mac- Rhiannon 

Lisa Loeb- Stay (I Missed You)

Wye Oak- Dance My Pain Away

August Burns Red- Your Little Suburia is in Ruins

Ray Lamontagne- 3 More Days

Bright Eyes- Coat Check Dream Song

Bright Eyes- Make a Plan to Love Me

Bright Eyes- I Must Belong Somewhere

      *basically the whole Cassadaga album

Dance Gavin Dance- Uneasy Hears Weigh the Most

Dance Gavin Dance- It's Safe to Say You Dig the Backseat

Thao & the Get Down Stay Down- We the Common (For Valerie Bolden)
Thao & the Get Down Stay Down- Holy Roller

Jimmy Eat World- 23

I realize that no one will read this, therefore no one will laugh at how random it is. Also, I asterisked my favorite FAVORITE songs & now I will attempt to put them in an order. It's like cliff notes for anyone who didn't want to read the list:

1. With Arms Outstretched- Rilo Kiley

2. You're So Last Summer- Taking Back Sunday

3. Sweetness- Jimmy Eat World

4. Holocene- Bon Iver

5. The Cure For Pain is in the Pain- mewithoutYou

6. Of Want and Misery: The Nothing That Kills

7. I Was a Cage- Right Away, Great Captain!

8. Never Going Back Again- Fleetwood Mac

9. The River- Manchester Orchestra

10. We Are Not a Football Team- Minus the Bear

11. Countdown- Beyonce

It's just emotions taken me over

Do you remember the last time you cried? Like sobbed? I used to not be a crier, I swear it. Lately it's as if the smallest thing sets me off.

Example: 
This morning I went to turn on my camera & it wouldn't turn on. The battery's charged, memory card is in, & I still got nothing. It was totally unnecessary, but I panicked. Then the tears just came like a river. I remember thinking "I paid $700 for this camera" over and over and over in my head.

Another example:
I work at a zoo. I have a zoo uniform. I'm supposed to have brown tennis shoes or work boots. I went to a shoe store to buy some new ones and they were $70. Emotion just came over me and the next thing I know I'm crying in a Shoe Station.

I cried when my cat wouldn't sit in my lap, I cried when I made coffee and had no milk, I cried when I got a good evaluation at work, I cried when my mom gave me $20, and lately I think about something stupid I've said or done in the past couple of weeks and I cry.

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. I'd like to think that I'm just a normal person with a lot of feelings, but I think I'm crazy.




Destiny's Child understands. WW(Beyonce)D?

A letter to my hair

Dear Hair,

Girl we have been through some stuff together, amiright?

It's getting to be the time of the year where I actually blow-dry and straighten you instead of throwing you into a soaking wet bun with some gel cursing the humidity. This is the part of the year where I start noticing how long you've grown in the past 2 months. God bless you, Hair, for growing so quickly. 

Listen, I know that we had our differences before I left for Disney circa January 2012. I know that I was going through a weird phase & I went to the hair stylist crying, "CUT IT OFF, GIVE ME SHORT LITTLE LAYERS, IT'S JUST HAIR" I'm never going to do that again, Dear. These countless months of growing layers out and bobby pinning all sorts of strange pieces into different places have just been tiring. My mid-twenties is when I'm supposed to look and feel the best--my glory days.

So before I say what I'm about to say, I want you to know that you are great! You are long, you are shiny, and you hold a mean wave. Please know that I appreciate you, I cherish you, you are MY hair.

It's just that fall is around the corner. Pumpkins are starting to come out. Halloween will be here soon! You know what time it is...

I want bangs.

I know, I know, I cut them, I regret them, I try to grow them out. It's not you, it's me. I feel like they add to my street cred. You know we've never been more confident than when we're rocking those bangs with our dress, colored tights, & desert boots. We can do this! We can keep up with them this time, I swear!

I will never drastically cut you again. I promise.

How did we go from this...

...to this?

I promise you, Hair, these things:

1. There will be no length cut off, just dead ends.
2. There will be no face framing layers (or any layers, to be frank).
3. I will insist that she use more hair for my bangs.

We can do this!

My love and thanks,

Connie