You know the story of the toddler who touches the stove top even though her mom told her not to numerous times? She touches it, finds it unpleasant, & then cries to her mom? I keep doing that only now I can't run to my mom to make it better.
I know the things I shouldn't do because I know how they hurt me. I can't look at people's Facebook's without seeing a comment that makes me sick. And I get lost looking through someone else's pictures that I don't even know, but so-and-so left a comment on a status of hers & now I'm having an "all I can think about it how he never did that with me so now I don't like her and she's skinnier than me" moment.
I know not to look at certain people's social media sites because it makes me sad, I know I shouldn't look through old text messages... But I do it any way, and I get sad. Then I get upset because I was doing so well. Once I'm done being upset I feel stupid because these moments are what got me into the current situation I'm in...because I doubted myself & spoke so lowly of myself that it drove my friend away.
So I keep looking at who posted on their wall, who's prettier than me, what I used to have and the whole time I know that I'm just hurting myself...I'm just reopening wounds that I've worked so hard to scab...to heal. Once I burn myself I look to find someone to run to, to fix me, to tell me that everything's going to be okay.
That's when I turn to Jesus (cheese ball alert? #sorrynotsorry).
I've been reading a devotional called "She Reads Truth: Prayer in the Bible" & today's devo kind of hit home. No pun intended, but it was about the prodigal son.
"Wherever you are, wherever you've been--He celebrates when you come home".
I've been in a lot of places...a lot of highs & a lot of lows. I've been hiding in a weak spiritual home, expecting everything to just work it out while personal storms were raging, tearing down my makeshift place wall by wall. I sat and did nothing to fix it, just egged it on and waited for someone to come and take care of me. I got tired of waiting, so I asked Jesus to build me a stronger foundation. He's shown me that He's been waiting to do just that, but I have to help Him. I have to mend relationships that I've let fall apart because I was so unfocused on everything...mostly my relationship with Him.
That's the biggest burn of them all...that I let the most important relationship I can have fall apart. How beautiful it is that that relationship can fix the burn and hurt!
