A picture Dump

Here's a picture dump to get over that word vomit I just posted.

All you need to know is that I have a cat now. So we have 2 girls and 2 cats in a 1000 square foot apartment. I also posted pictures of my roommate because:
1. I love her & she's one of my best friends.
2. I need people to know I have friends.
3. I'm not a crazy cat lady.

Giving

I blame it on my age and the fact that I was raised in a small town, but I can't stop thinking about my singleness. I've started to almost obsess about it and that frustrates me to no end. There are so many other things going on in my life that I could talk about, but yet here I am, sad that a boy/boys doesn't like me.

I recently read Captivating with a small group and there was a passage that stuck with me. I think it struck a cord more so now that I've been open to dating and seeing how hard it is to try and be open with someone while you're simultaneously trying to show them that "I'M SO COOL PLEASE LOVE ME I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE FOREVER I'M ALMOST 30"...or something. Anyways...I'm not crazy. The passage is found in a chapter about alluring men (which sounds so so so creepy):

"A woman can test and see if a man is willing to move in a good direction by offering a taste of what is available with her if he does. She does not give everything in a moment. As GOD does, she allures and waits to see what he will do." p-164

As a young single Christian female, I can read this and know that it's nice. GOD created me, He loves me, and I deserve to be pursued. But as a young single female who's struggled with letting the world tell her that she's not good enough, thin enough, funny enough, etc. it's hard to read. How can I know what a "taste" is. If there's a man that's trying to get to know me, I should be open & let him, right? That's how you date, right? This is also difficult because of past relationships and being used for someone else's benefit. I don't want to be used again and I fear that if I'm too open it will be easy to fall back into a "grey area relationship". No me gusta.

The struggle is real.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ld6E5hvvD6U
This song has kind of been an anthem for me while I've been thinking about this stuff. I think it's basically about how life is going to keep going no matter what, but we could rely on each other & it'll make it easier. Who knows? That's just what I think. Anyways, my favorite part:

"I’m trying not to confuse: being used, with giving all I am
by: being used, and giving everything I have, all I am"

It's pretty much how I feel, obviously. I just want to do everything right when it comes to dating/making new friends/entering into new relationships. I want to be a Godly woman, I really do. 

I firmly believe everything is fine. I know that I worry too much and I read way too much into things.

Coming Home

You know the story of the toddler who touches the stove top even though her mom told her not to numerous times? She touches it, finds it unpleasant, & then cries to her mom? I keep doing that only now I can't run to my mom to make it better.

I know the things I shouldn't do because I know how they hurt me. I can't look at people's Facebook's without seeing a comment that makes me sick. And I get lost looking through someone else's pictures that I don't even know, but so-and-so left a comment on a status of hers & now I'm having an "all I can think about it how he never did that with me so now I don't like her and she's skinnier than me" moment.

I know not to look at certain people's social media sites because it makes me sad, I know I shouldn't look through old text messages... But I do it any way, and I get sad. Then I get upset because I was doing so well. Once I'm done being upset I feel stupid because these moments are what got me into the current situation I'm in...because I doubted myself & spoke so lowly of myself that it drove my friend away.

So I keep looking at who posted on their wall, who's prettier than me, what I used to have and the whole time I know that I'm just hurting myself...I'm just reopening wounds that I've worked so hard to scab...to heal. Once I burn myself I look to find someone to run to, to fix me, to tell me that everything's going to be okay.

That's when I turn to Jesus (cheese ball alert? #sorrynotsorry).

I've been reading a devotional called "She Reads Truth: Prayer in the Bible" & today's devo kind of hit home. No pun intended, but it was about the prodigal son.

"Wherever you are, wherever you've been--He celebrates when you come home".

I've been in a lot of places...a lot of highs & a lot of lows. I've been hiding in a weak spiritual home, expecting everything to just work it out while personal storms were raging, tearing down my makeshift place wall by wall. I sat and did nothing to fix it, just egged it on and waited for someone to come and take care of me. I got tired of waiting, so I asked Jesus to build me a stronger foundation. He's shown me that He's been waiting to do just that, but I have to help Him. I have to mend relationships that I've let fall apart because I was so unfocused on everything...mostly my relationship with Him.

That's the biggest burn of them all...that I let the most important relationship I can have fall apart. How beautiful it is that that relationship can fix the burn and hurt!

Once a mouseketeer...

I feel like I will always want to work for Disney. No matter how many times I go, get homesick, & come home I end up missing the magic. I honestly only came home for my mom & my best friend. But sometimes I wonder if I left a good thing. Sure, the pay is awful, but I can work my way up eventually. Plus the job search over here is basically not happening. I'm not good enough for anyone I suppose (shows you what they know ;) ). It's been on my mind lately more & more & especially because I went to Universal after Christmas...which is the point of this post :)

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is just as magical as Disney World. I miss ya butterbeer!

That one time it was Christmas...

1. My bestest pals & I got together to help Courtney put up some of her Christmas decorations. We had inappropriate conversations & we named our little "group". Good times.

2. You know you're in the south when....

3-5. Just your average self timer shots.

One night I wanted to try out bookeh pictures so Eric & I went to downtown Baton Rouge to play. I didn't have a tripod, it was super dark, & I was on manual with a lens that only drop to an f-stop of like 3.8 or 3.5 (one day I will be a proud owner of 50mm)...so I'm proud of them.

Happy late Christmas!

Resolutions

I've never been one to have resolutions because I feel as though I put too much pressure on myself. I'm goal oriented, but some goals I set are too high or too far fetched to actual achieve. So this year I'm making a few big goals for myself & then set smaller ones each month (and maybe weekly) to help accomplish the big goals.

The BIG goals:
1. Get another job.
2. Save money to go to NYC in May & maybe for NYE.
3. Move into an apartment.
4. Better my photography.
5. Loose weight.
6. Blog more.
7. Eat out less.
8. Read more.
9. Become more relational-- that includes Jesus, friends, etc.
10. Be happy & forgive.

I'll set small goals each month for each of these big goals & blog about how it's going. I'm hoping this will keep me accountable even if I'm the only one reading :)

Self Reliance

The pastor at my parent's church started his sermon today with a statement that shook me... 

"We weren't made to rely on ourselves." Obviously, he meant that without Jesus on our side we can't really do anything. But I spent the next next 45 minutes (because pastors really like to talk...) thinking about how it made me feel.

I'm a weird 23 year old young woman. It seems like every one in my small southern town has one goal in life: to get married before 25. It's like girls start dating boys just to have security...to know that they'll get married, they'll have kids, they'll have someone to take care of them. 

I don't want this. I have no desire to get married any time in the near future. I have no desire for a big house covered in wedding pictures. Settling down is not on my mind. My only goal is to be self reliant.

I want to know that I'm earning everything myself, that I can be independent, that I can do things on my own. I have friends who think this way, but then their parents hand over money, rent, food, etc. I'm not saying that my parents don't help me out, because they do, but I want to make it on my own feet. I don't need a husband to take care of me. I was given my body, my spirit, & my brain. I can take care of them myself.

I am a 23 year old young woman. I am independent. I am strong. That is all I have to remember.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance