October 6-13 in Pictures

It's been a week! Here's the story via iPhone photos.

1. It's been stressful at work, so one day I ate my lunch by the giraffes. It helped my perspective a good deal.

2. I had a little bit of a "heartbreak" happen this week. My friends picked me up by having a girl's night. There was junk food, a little wine, and music. I am blessed with wonderful friends!

3. I work on Saturdays & Sundays, so I have to watch football via live streaming. This should be against the law. THIS IS THE SOUTH, Y'ALL.

4. I run on my lunch breaks & saw this little pretty and took a snapshot.

5. I found my cat, Fuzz, like this when I came over from Colorado...someone missed me :)

6. A terrifying photo I took of myself that I thought was too funny not to share. I got lunch the other day & someone told me I looked like a "cute nerd" with my glasses. Okay.

7. See #2

8. One of my best friends, Amanda, is friends with Cinderella & Ariel at Disney. I made her my backdrop, so it was just a pleasant thing to see when she sent me a text. 

October 6-13 Jams

These have been my jams this week.

Colorado

To say my adventure to Colorado was a blessing would be an understatement. I desperately needed to travel and explore. It's going to sound extremely cheesy, but my soul needed to breathe. I've been stuck in an office for 8 months straight now, staring at a computer, my mind becoming restless.

Colorado was beautiful, I got to see one of my good friends get married, and I was able to hang out with my one of my oldest friends whom I love so dearly. There were mountains, drinks, SNOW (!!!), and I got to drive my dream car! I was so sad to leave.

Zach told me before I came that I would probably discover something new about myself on the trip. I did. I realized how big the world is, how small I am, and how I work way too hard.

I set some goals for next year on this trip. One of them being to travel at least twice a year. That's why I have annual leave...I promised myself I'd use it.

I'm blessed.

Ya Girl is Stressed

I read a blog post from John Piper today that was incredibly beneficial to me (find it here ). In it he was talking about feeling vulnerable and weak.

He says that he can remember waking up and just feeling sad, and that he would tell God, "Lord help me. I'm not even sure how to pray."

I thought that was so solid of a statement...Sometimes I'll be trying to pray, but I'm so overwhelmed or tired that I have NO idea what I even need or want to pray about. I think it'll be helpful bringing that to the conversation with God. Just to admit that you have nothing to say or having too many feelings that you don't know where to start.

The scripture he used was Zechariah 2:5, " 'And I myself will be a wall of fire around it', declares the Lord, 'and I will be its glory within."

I find comfort knowing that God gives us His protection, no matter how we feel. I feel especially vulnerable and weak presently, so it's nice to know that I may be too tired to tell God how I feel, but He knows. He is the glory within me, He protects me with fire. I am special to Him, 1 out of 6 billion. I am loved. He looks on me with fierce devotion.

There's a lot going on right now...personally and professionally. I've found myself in state of comparison. I'm continuing to compare myself to ex girlfriends, in particular. It's definitely not healthy, especially since there's no relationship in tact. Yet, I keep finding myself saying, "if I was skinnier, prettier, if I had a flower crown like she does..." and other absolute lies from the devil himself.

Work is hard right now. I haven't been this stressed and worried since college. I'm scared of letting down my supervisor and my work place in general.

I'm tired, physically and emotionally.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
That was the Bible verse of the day on my YouVersion app.

Convenient. In this moment I will continue to let Jesus romance me. He knows how tired my heart and my spirit are. My strength is in Him, He is my worth, no one else.

I am fragile, God is not. (John Piper paraphrase ;) )

Got Them Feels

There's been many a feels lately. I blame it on this weird transitioning period that's taking place. Saying goodbye to some people and things, hello to new things, changing things up a bit--growing up in general. I've never felt so happy and so sad at the same time.

Isn't it so interesting how a situation can start so quickly, but then die so fast? It's like going 0-60 in 3 seconds and then SLAMMING on your breaks. It doesn't do much for your hope. It's a joy-killer, ya dig? This awful analogy has a purpose...I swear.

I've found myself going through a situation where it began great, I felt so hopeful, and then somewhere it's slowed itself to an awfully slow pace. It's gotten to the point where I believe what I want is not going to be what I get. Which sucks. It sucks so bad. So why when discussing my thoughts and opinions with the other party do I continue to say, "I understand...I'm fine...It's okay..." when it's the complete opposite?

Why am I letting myself get walked on? What power is that giving me? None. Why can't I say, "I'm sorry, I'm not okay with this, I don't understand where you're coming from?" How is that going to get me anywhere? It's not. 

I think it's absurd that I allow this to happen. I'm tired of being so afraid to let someone know how I feel. I hate the situation in my past that has created these walls and these barriers. I'm tired of being afraid what someone thinks about me. 

I'm tired of allowing myself to belittle my worth. I'm worthy of the love I want to receive--the love that I want to give. I'm just so tired of those two things never meeting.

But starting today I'm challenging myself to really say what's on my mind, how I feel, and to tell myself that everything is not my fault.

I want to reassure myself that I am good, I am worthy, I am loved.

A letter to cicadas

Dear Cicadas,

I regret to inform you that this is not a positive letter. I have no warm, fuzzy feelings toward you. I, in fact, hate you. While it's true that I work at a zoo, and therefor am dedicated in conserving all things wild and of the earth, I do not care about you or the purpose you serve.

I have a vendetta towards one member of your species in particular. This little boy (or girl, forgive my ignorance, but I do not know much your sexing or reproduction) was being uncharacteristically quiet as I was walking towards my apartment door one night. 

Now, Cicadas, this back story has nothing to do with you, per say. I am a single, mid-twenty year old female. Anytime I am walking alone at night I am on the defensive. I am ready to run, act crazy, or fight for my life at any given moment. Now imagine my fright when I finally unlock my front door and am beginning to feel relief only to turn the door knob and this cicada is SITTING ON THE KNOB.

Might I be overreacting? Possibly. But you cicadas have wings...you can literally fly away. You can rest anywhere you want. Please don't rest on my door knob. The scream that I produced was not necessary and if my roommate had been home she would have been worried.

I'm hoping we can live and let go, but I also hope for your extinction.

Regrets,
Connie

PS; It also wouldn't hurt to not leave your molt out in the open. You're not easy to look at.

Late Night Ponderings

Okay, so it's only 9:30...on a Friday night...which is actually my Monday night...which is a bummer.

BUT as I lay here in the dim light listening to some real mellow, acoustic jams I can't help but let my mind wander. Are you looking at your screen saying, "What are you wondering about, Connie?"

Well, as my sweet kitty cat is laying against my leg purring her sweet purr begging for me to scratch her head I am dreaming of how it would feel if cats could hug us.

My little girl, Penelope Fuzz, has the softest fur, the sweetest little face, and loves to snuggle, so I would her imagine her hugs being warm and welcoming.

A girl can dream.